Hadley's parents were perplexed by the behavior of their 11-year-old daughter. Her grades were mostly C's with a few D's. She got along well with her classmates, but had little interest in schoolwork. At home, she argued a bit with her little brother, seldom cleaned her room and was increasingly reluctant to participate in family activities.

Hadley's parents felt like they had tried everything to help Hadley. She was evaluated by the school psychologist, and there was no evidence of any type of learning problem. Her parents placed restrictions on Hadley until her grades improved to A's and B's. With the exception of gymnastics, they had taken away everything Hadley enjoyed doing. However, her grades remained unacceptable.

Hadley lived for gymnastics. The gym was Hadley's world, the one place in her life where she felt confident, comfortable and competent. She joked around with the other kids, and talked incessantly with her coaches about "split leaps," "fly aways" and "back walkovers." Life in the gym felt very good and it allowed her to tolerate her time in school.

Should her parents now restrict her from gymnastics until her grades improved?

Her parents felt that gymnastics was a privilege to be earned, not an entitlement to be given. They realized how important gym was to their daughter, but her grades were more important even if she didn't realize it at her age.

Schools recognize that sports and other activities are privileges, and frequently require students to maintain certain grades as a prerequisite to participation. The parents were prepared to prohibit Hadley from going to the gym until she got a report card with no grades lower than B.

Parents need to be very cautious before taking away these special activities from their kids. For some children, their love and participation in sports, Scouts or other activities are absolutely critical. Removing these activities can actually make the situation worse, leaving children psychologically bankrupt. I've seen many situations where children's behavior deteriorated significantly after being punished in this fashion. They felt stripped of the one activity that gave their life meaning, hope and enjoyment.

You cannot punish your child into good behavior. Before you restrict your child from a special activity, ask yourself three questions.

Is the goal obtainable? Hadley's parents wanted her to get all A's and B's in a very academically competitive school. According to the psychological tests, that would be very difficult for Hadley. Given her academic potential, it would be better to require her to maintain her grades above D.

Can the goal be achieved in small steps? Removing Hadley from gym until her next report card was a bad idea. I suggested that the parents develop a weekly report card system with the school. Hadley could go to gymnastics lessons if her grades were C or above for that week. Short-term goals increased the likelihood of Hadley being successful.

Are there alternatives? For reasons that neither the parents nor I fully understood, Hadley was going through a tough time. I was uneasy about taking away the one activity that gave meaning to her life. I suggested that the parents build upon her interest in gymnastics, and set up reward systems that were gym-related.

For example, Hadley was allowed to attend extra gym sessions if she did well in school. One of the most successful approaches was when the parents began taking Hadley to gymnastics competitions at local colleges as her schoolwork got better. Hadley was thrilled to attend these events, and it also improved her relationship with her parents.

Rewards are powerful techniques for influencing your children's behavior. However, when it comes to participation in special activities, be careful about what restrictions you place on your child.