No-nonsense parenting advice from child psychologist Greg Ramey Previous Articles -Teen sexuality poses challenges -What age can my child ...? -Children learn more by example than words -Can parents punish their children into good behavior?

"I think ... I might be ... gay," stammered 13-year-old David.

This young teen was in such emotional turmoil, speaking as if he was confessing to the most unspeakable of crimes. Getting through adolescence is tough enough, I thought to myself. Isn't it sad that we make growing up gay such an agonizing experience for our kids?

I wished that David's parents and others could have felt the world as David was experiencing it. His feelings were so incredibly intense, alternating between confusion and guilt. "I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this."

Talking with teens about sexuality raises many tough clinical and ethical issues. Dealing with teens who may have sexual feelings toward their same-sex peers is particularly challenging. Here's my advice to David:

Should I tell other kids? I advised David not to discuss his sexual feelings with his peers. The risks of rejection were not worth the benefits of the emotional support he might get from other kids. It's important to note that David was still very confused about his sexuality. While he occasionally had sexual feelings toward other boys, he sometimes felt the same way toward girls.

Should I date girls or boys or both? I recommended that David slow down and not go on any individual dates. I thought he should go to dances, movies and other group activities with his friends. There is no magic age by which he must date or declare his sexuality to the world. For reasons I didn't understand, it seemed like David put a lot of pressure on himself to grow up way too early.

How did I get this way? That was an easy question. I told David that it didn't make sense to me or most other professionals that homosexuality was a chosen lifestyle. I informed David that his sexuality was probably just as genetically determined as was the color of his eyes. He felt relieved.

Should I talk with my parents about this? I always recommend that kids talk with their parents, but this time I told David to wait a few weeks. After listening carefully to David, I was convinced that he really didn't know much about normal teen sexuality. It would be premature to declare himself gay to his parents or others when that might not be the case. We agreed to meet with his parents during one of our sessions.

Will I ever outgrow these feelings? You don't generally change your sexual orientation after late adolescence. David's situation was more of sexual confusion rather than a confirmed gay orientation. David's concerns were prompted by some very explicit heterosexual and homosexual images he saw on the Internet. He had a physical reaction to both types of pictures, and then concluded that he might be gay.

Adolescence is a time of heightened sexuality, and some kids will have sexual feelings towards anything or anyone! It would be a mistake to misread some generalized sexual feelings as reflective of a confirmed homosexual orientation.

When will I know for sure? It is occasionally the case that a young person is aware from early childhood of special feelings towards members of the same sex. However, the more typical situation is that one's sexual orientation does not crystallize until late adolescence.

Will my parents still love me? I understand that some parents have strong religious objections to homosexuality. Other parents are simply worried about their children having to deal with a lifetime of rejection and ridicule. Even so, I've rarely encountered situations where children were ostracized by their parents following a disclosure of their sexual orientation.

It's time for teachers, coaches, mental health professionals, Scout leaders and others who work with kids to openly welcome all youngsters regardless of their sexual orientation. These kids need our guidance and support as much as heterosexual teens. We've let them down for years. We've been afraid to advocate on behalf of these teens, fearful of what others may think about us. It's time for us to openly care for all kids.