By GREGORY RAMEY
Cox News Service
While eating out with your kids can be an enjoyable experience, there are some types of restaurants that should be "X-rated" for families.I inadvertently ate at one of those restaurants with my adult son who was home for a few weeks. The restaurant seemed fine from the outside, but I was overwhelmed when I sat down and looked around the room.
I didn't see any scantily clad waitresses or young women performing lap dances. There weren't any sexually explicit images, and the staff was polite and friendly.However, what I did see was just as objectionable at a very different level. There were 17 television sets and numerous video games interspersed around the room. All the sets were on, many of them tuned to different stations. I was overwhelmed by a cacophony of sounds and visual images that made it virtually impossible to have a distraction-free conversation with my son.
I was surprised by the number of families with young children in this restaurant. The behavior of the kids was particularly interesting. Their heads were tilted upward, scanning the various monitors for something of interest. I didn't notice many interactions between the children and their parents.
This is a very popular local restaurant, so I can only assume that people want this type of environment. Some or perhaps many people may find this visually stimulating rather than overwhelming. However, I can't imagine why any parent would take their children to such a place.
I think the real issue is a sense I get from many parents that they think it is their job to keep their children constantly entertained. We put DVDs in vans and let our kids bring handheld video games or iPods wherever we go. These can be fun and entertaining for kids, but isn't there a time for quiet reflection or conversation?
Here are a few suggestions to consider for your family.
Quiet the noise. Set aside some times that are free from computers, TVs, cellphones, etc. Many parents do this at meal times, but one family informed me they do this every Sunday. No one in the family is allowed to use the TV or computer. The parents were amazed at the impact on their family, but admitted that it was difficult for the first six months. However, at this point they have started many new traditions for family activities.
Text messaging is yet another annoying and distracting habit that is used inappropriately by some kids. Don't allow this during meal times or during family events.
Change your job description. It is not your job to entertain your children. It is their job to spend their time in activities that are meaningful, fun, educational or exciting. Beginning when they are preschoolers, make certain they understand that "entertainer" is not in your job description. Help them think about options and choices, but don't make their boredom your responsibility to fix.
Manage trips. I understand that long trips with kids can be difficult, and there certainly is a place for a DVD player at times. However, isn't there also a time for doing nothing, letting your mind wander, and maybe talking with each other? What is the value of letting your kids watch yet another mindless movie that they've seen hundreds of times?
Plan a DVD-free trip beforehand with your family. Explain why you are doing this, and see what activities your kids can plan. This won't come easily or quickly, but you'll be amazed at their ingenuity.
Recognize that if you take on this issue with your family you are fighting a cultural war. This approach won't make you popular with your kids, and perhaps even with your spouse. However, this just may change the climate in your family and focus more on things that matter - talking, understanding and loving each other a little more.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D, is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at Children's Medical Center of Dayton, Ohio. For more columns by Ramey, visit the Dayton Children's Web site at www.childrensdayton.org and sign up for FamilyWise, a free e-newsletter for parents. Send comments to Ramey at familywise AT childrensdayton.org.
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No-nonsense parenting advice from child psychologist Greg Ramey
