Kids Need Friends

Q. My son is 10, is very creative, has a great memory, is a high achiever and in the gifted program at school. He lacks social/interpersonal skills. He doesn't develop friendships, although he may have them casually in school. I think he's well-liked at school. He loves to play and is comfortable around kids he's known for a long time or his sister's friends who are over a lot. He's usually outgoing at home and with family and is fun to be around. He's moody and can become frustrated and angry.

I'm not sure how to help him, but I think he's uncomfortable and feels socially awkward. He may not have the same need as others to have friends around. He can read for hours or make computer movies. I just want him to be balanced, and I'm concerned he'll go to middle school with no real connections. I've arranged for his friends to come over on several occasions for a "book club." He's been agreeable for me to set that up, and he really has fun after I get things going. I'm looking for advice and resources.

A. While some children prefer solitary interests to an extensive social life, all kids need friends. Your son is obviously not offensive to others, but is not invitational either. The key to encouraging a social life, without making him feel pressured or causing him to think there's something wrong with him, is to encourage his involvement in activities where he'll automatically meet and talk to other kids.

Joining the Scouts, a sports team, drama, chess or computer club could give him a start at seeing other boys regularly in a fun setting. His teacher may be able to help by pairing him with likely friends for school projects or committees. She may also suggest some potential friends from school for playmates or she may reassure you that your son seems very happy with his friends in school.

While it's good to encourage some balance and friendships in children's lives, it's also important to recognize that some kids truly enjoy spending time alone and should be encouraged to do so. You'll want to be very careful to avoid having your son feel pressured to be popular. That peer pressure is at its height in middle school and will feel even more difficult to cope with if he thinks his parents are worried about his popularity.

While social skills counseling can be very helpful to children, I'm not certain from your description whether that truly is your son's problem. If he really is struggling or feels like he doesn't know how to say the right thing at the right time, group or individual counseling could be effective.

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